I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

Take all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The worst thing about accidents, in the kitchen, is eating them.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.