A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the Universe are pointed away from Earth?