A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?