Men: On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

Smoking helps you lose weight .. one lung at a time!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"