All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it!

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

He who hesitates is probably right