Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Some mornings I wake up grumpy, other mornings I just let her sleep!

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

I have the body of a god ... Buddha.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.