If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong ...

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake an orgasm. Big deal , try faking a relationship just for a giggle!

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Men are always whining about how we are suffocating them. Personally, I think that if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

In the '60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.