If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
See, the problem is that God gives man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.