Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, I could be eating a slow learner.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and mental illness.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.