Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Ever notice how at the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.