Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Definition of pressure:.....A wife, a mistress and a mortgage all a month late.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.
I'm not a snob. I'm just genuinely better than you are.
NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you suppose they know that we don't?
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl-Alt -Delete " and start all over?
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.