Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

The income tax has made more liars out of people than golf has.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

No one is listening until you break wind.

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.