Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

The income tax has made more liars out of people than golf has.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, I could be eating a slow learner.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who screwed us in the past.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.