Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

He who hesitates is probably right

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it!

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

Finally, my ship came in ... and as expected, it's leaking.

Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.