I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: "I'll man the guns, you drive."

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you... Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex I woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realised I had made it home safely.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.