I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

The difference between the Pope and your boss....The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.