The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?

When kleptomania gets really bad, just take something for it.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.

The difference between the Pope and your boss....The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.