Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

What's another word for thesaurus?

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. Unless, of course, they're flying.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.