Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends!
An erection does not constitute personal growth
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.
“Get this.” said the bloke to his mates, “Last night while I
was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
“Did he get anything.” his mates asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken
nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”
