When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.