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PostHeaderIcon Hamster stories!

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something

wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick”, he told me, “I m serious, Dad. Can you

help?”

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

“Honey”, I called, “come look at the hamster!”

“Oh, my gosh”, my wife diagnosed after a minute.

“She s having babies.”

“What?” My son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be?!” “I thought we said we didn’t

want them to reproduce!” I accused my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!” She inquired. (I

actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving,

calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” My son agreed.

“Well, it s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know” she informed me.

(Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a

wondrous experience” I announced. “We are about to witness the miracle of

birth.”

“OH, Gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny

little hamster babies?” my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was

being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot

would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. We don’t appear to be

making much progress, I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next

appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times

with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know, “Maybe they could talk

us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son

holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so

cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy

is of her womb, for God’s sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal

through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a c-section?” I suggested scientifically. My son

appeared impressed by my observation.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you

privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This hamster is not in labor. In fact,

that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy.”

What!?

“You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity,

like most male species, they um…. er…. masturbate, just the way he did,

lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

“Well, you know what I m saying, Mr. Cameron.” We were silent, absorbing this.

“So Ernie s just…just…Excited?” My wife offered.

“Exactly”, the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. In addition, giggle. Then even

laugh loudly.

“What s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I

married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just…that…I m picturing you

pulling on its…its…teeny little…”, she gasped for more air to bellow in

laughter once more.

“That’s enough”, I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled

the hamsters and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay. “I know Ernie s really thankful

for what you’ve done, Dad”, he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea”, my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.


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