Definition of pressure:.....A wife, a mistress and a mortgage all a month late.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it!

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.