I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Men are always whining about how we are suffocating them. Personally, I think that if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.
Statistics tell us that married men are likely to live 3 years longer than single men. But psychology tells us that married men are more willing to die.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.
This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.
“Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?” the bartender asked.
“Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we’re just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers.”
