There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
The programmer’s national anthem is ‘AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!’.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for ‘still doesn’t work.’
Computer analyst to programmer: You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computer Science: solving today’s problems tomorrow.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Hit any user to continue.
I wish life had an UNDO function.
If your computer says: Printer out of Paper, this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the ‘OK’ button.
It said: ‘Insert disk 3…’ but only 2 fit in the drive.
Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait,
665.9238429876 – Number of the Pentium Beast
Linux renders ships, NT is rendering ships useless.
I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to kill 10789 characters.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Epigram: Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages.
Remember Knuth: premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Standard are industry’s way of codifying obsolescence.
cthread. cthread_fork(). Fork, thread, fork!
Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
To know recursion, you must first know recursion.
Life’s unfair – but root password helps!
Mountain Dew and doughnuts… because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX.
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. – Rich Cook
Intel: We put the ‘um…’ in Pentium.
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. – Joseph Campbell
Of course my password is the same as my pet’s name. My macaw’s name was Q47pY!3, but I change it every 90 days.
Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says: ‘Click… ‘, wait for the rest of the sentence.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
Excuse me for butting in, but I’m interrupt-driven…
The world is coming to an end… SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. – Dick Brandon (or was it John Ainsby – ed)
A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
Real programmers use COPY CON COMMAND.COM
Unix, BASIC, C, PASCAL, APL, ADA, and PROFANITY spoken here.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.
Computer programmers never die… they just byte the dust.
Intel Inside: The world’s most commonly used warning label.
A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. – Doug Linder
A television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred…
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. – Bjarne ‘Stumpy’ Stroustrup
If cars evolved at the same rate as computers, they’d cost a quarter, run for a year on a half-gallon of gas, and crash once a day, killing everyone inside.
If engineers built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
C Programmers do it recursively.
Remaining time multiplied by distress is constant.
A computer scientist is someone who, when told to ‘Go to Hell’, sees the ‘go to’, rather than the destination, as harmful.
FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! – Press any key to do nothing…
/* I can C clearly now */
1010011010 – The binary number of the Beast
1332 – The number of two Beasts
A program is a device used to convert data into error messages.
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
APATHY ERROR: Don’t bother striking any key.
Application has reported a ‘Not My Fault’ in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
RTFM: No just an acronym, it’s the LAW!
Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
Carpe Aptenodytes! (Seize the Penguins!)
He’s not a real doctor, He’s an integer doctor. (Wait for it. Wait fooooor it….)
Nature abhors a GUI
Never execute code written on a Friday or a Monday.
Students nowadays, complaining they only get 2MBs of disk space! In my day we were lucky if we had one file, and that was /dev/null.
Warranty clause voided by payment of invoice.