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PostHeaderIcon South African computer viruses!

NELSON VIRUS

Stays locked away in some unused region of your PC for 27 years and then takes it over completely.

WINNIE VIRUS

Extinguishes all data like a stompie. Cannot get rid of this virus which keeps returning to haunt the system administrators.

APARTHEID VIRUS

Separates PowerPoint slides on the basis of colour. The nice thing about this virus is that anything that goes wrong with your PC can be blamed on this virus, ad infinitum.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION VIRUS

A second rate but usually more expensive virus that takes the place of a really good virus that was in charge of your PC. In some cases, the really good virus still hangs around and does all the work, but the Affirmative Action virus takes the credit. In other cases the really good virus takes the Internet Run and migrates a PC in another country.

MINIBUS TAXI VIRUS

Crashes through your PC with scant regard for the rules of the internet highway. Stops data traffic for no reason. Causes other data to explode. Is usually bundled with at least 20 other viruses. Doesn’t have a software licence.

HIJACK VIRUS

This virus is often fatal for both you and your PC. At the very least you lose your PC altogether and need therapy before you can work on another PC.

AFRICAN TIME VIRUS

Makes your PC lazy and wreaks havoc with production runs because they are never on time. Makes it impossible to schedule data runs.

STRIKERS VIRUS

Stops your PC in the middle of crucial production runs. Also causes your PC speakers to toi-toi at regular intervals. Seems to be related to the MICROSOFT VIRUS because it is always demanding more that you buy more of it and pay more for it.

MATRIC PAPER VIRUS

This virus is a stolen version of the real thing. Makes your PC worth less than the plastic it is made of.

THIRD WORLD VIRUS

Keeps turning back your clock by 20 years. Slows down the fastest PC to the speed of the operator. Each transaction has to be manually supervised to check for errors. Continuously displays messages blaming FIRST WORLD VIRUS and COLONIAL VIRUS for slow speed of machine.

HILLBROW VIRUS

Makes a complete mess with your PC. If a technician opens up the casing, he can’t get near the components for dirty washing, excrement and rotting garbage. Makes a new PC look old within a day.

AK-47 VIRUS

Originally developed in the USSR. Is obsessed with killing your motherboard, your fatherboard and any otther board that it finds. Widely distributed on South African PCs.

ANC VIRUS

Also similar to the MICROSOFT VIRUS – promises you the earth but fails to deliver or continually creates new versions of software with more bugs than the original. Allows widespread data corruption while flashing reassuring messages that all systems are functioning normally.

IEC VIRUS (Independent Electoral Commission)

Probably the most expensive virus you are likely to encounter. Systematically prevents legitimate parts of your system from participation in PC operations, while allowing full participation of corrupt, illegal, hidden and deleted files. Requires barcode compliant operating system. This virus is likely to cause your PC to become chaotic in the next couple of months with a total system malfunction on June 2nd.

TRC VIRUS (Truth & Reconciliation Commission)

Is very biased in its operation. Selectively processes formerly illegal files and renders some fully functional while completely ignoring others. Seems to function better with files than have been infected with the ANC VIRUS. The TRC VIRUS is very expensive and takes many years to run. Has been shown to be completely impotent when run with the WINNIE VIRUS.

ZUMA VIRUS

Forces administrators to spend large amounts of money on overpriced maintenance software which then only operates very briefly before absconding with large amounts of system resources. While attention is distracted it allows traditional core areas of operation to become dilapidated and dysfunctional by starving them of resources. Continually reinforced by simultaneous operation of the NELSON VIRUS.


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