Random Thought
“Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all people who opposed them.”

Another Thought...

PostHeaderIcon Blokes guide to taking a leak!

Taking a leak is a complex procedure and a minefield of social faux pas-es. It might seem (to the non bloke casual observer) like a trivial procedure of pulling the Holden over to the side of the road, finding a reasonably foliaged bush and having a slash; but it’s not.

Not at all.

In reality, the above scenario only occurs when the bloke concerned is on his own on a fairly sheltered road. In the REAL bloke world, when you’re barrelling down the road (well, as barrelling as you can with the hand brake driving as the designated driver, at 30 km/hr because you and the mates have made the compulsory pub stops which render you unable to drive AND retain your license), it’s not as simple as that. One must consider Leak etiquette.

Leak Etiquette – General Rules

  1. Never take a leak onto the ground. – Urine must only be directed at vertical objects, such as trees, bushes etc. However, taking a leak over a bank or off a bridge is allowed, especially if it’s on the way home from the pub. If you are exceptionally pissed, other non vertical items can be used. The boot or back seat of a Ford Escort or Datsun Bluebird for instance. Always concentrate on what you’re doing. No one wants yours.

  2. Never look at another bloke’s dick.

  3. Never, EVER, make a comment about another blokes dick. – “Shit, that’s a big bastard” ..is completely inappropriate. If you somehow happen to break this rule, never, EVER, begin your comment with: “FUCK ME…” Results are indeterminate, especially if drinking in a pub where they put fruit down the spout of your bottle.

  4. Never flash your dick. – Especially if it’s fucking humungous. There’s no need to upset the boys. Be humble.

Special Situations – The “Open Plan” Urinal

Open Plan Urinals are those where there are no designated places to stand. The stainless steel tray, the bank on the side of the road, etc.

  1. Never take a leak within 2 metres of another bloke.

  2. Never look at another guys dick.

  3. Never turn from the “Open Plan” until you’re finished. Even if someone runs up and steals the Ute.

  4. Play “Piss the cigarette butt / Dunny Lolly down the drain” wherever possible.

Special Situations – The “Cubicle” Urinal

Cubicle Urinals refer to either, the individual “hand basin” type of urinal or the full-length single berth stainless steel job. For the purposes of the queuing theory explanation we will suppose we have a L-Shaped bog with 10 “cubicle” urinals in it, 6 along one side, 4 down the other, numbered 1 to 10 in that order.

Never look over or around a cubicle at another bloke’s dick

Always follow the following queuing theory:

  1. Bloke 1 walks in, empty bog so he goes where he likes. Unless he’s got an exceptionally tiny dick or has just been swimming, in which case he goes to one of the ends. We’ll say he has a normal dick, and chooses cubicle

  2. Bloke 2 enters. Being that there is only one cubicle occupied, he cannot choose cubicle 2 or 4 because that would mean he wouldn’t be on the footy team as soon as word got out. He would probably choose 1 (a gap of one urinal) or 8 or 9, depending on what is nearest to the door. We’ll say he chooses 9.

  3. Bloke 3 comes in. 6,7 and 10 are out because of Bloke 2 and what the footy team would think. So are 2 and 4. 5 and 1 are prime locations. He goes for 1 cos he’s got a small dick. Bloke 4 comes in and there’s only 5 left. He takes it. Bloke 5 comes in and has a dilemma. So far 1,3,5 and 9 are taken. 9 cancels out 10 and 8, 5 cancels out 4 and 6, and in a surprise move, diagonally cuts out 7 as well. 1 and 3 cancel out the rest. Bloke five chooses 7 because being diagonally near someone isn’t as shonky as standing next to them.

  4. Bloke 6 comes in, sees that there are no clear spaces and goes to the toilet, pretending he has to take a dump.

  5. (The big Girl). Bloke 7 comes in, and being staunch knows that because of the spacing, it’s a real blokes session, so edges into an available space. To let the other Blokes know he’s safe, he must use the Real Bloke password, which is “Better out than in”. The other Blokes must use the counter password or

  6. risk being stepped on, later in the evening. The counter password is of course “Yep. Watch out, the water’s cold”. The second counter password (for the real bloke on the other side) is: “Yep, and deep too”. No further conversation is required, unless there has been a particularly close game of footy sometime in the past century. This can be discussed. If you know someone in the shithouse, you can engage them in polite conversation, bearing in mind that “Shit, that’s a big bastard” or “You just been swimming?” isn’t polite. Talk about the footy. Or ask him a technical question about the valve settings for the Monaro V8. Just get the job done then leave.


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