On quiet nights when I'm alone, I like to run my wedding Video backwards just to watch myself walk out of church a free person!
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A boy told his mom, “I couldn’t sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?”
His mom said, “Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him.”
The boy replied, “Oh then you’re wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day.”
