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PostHeaderIcon Chilli-tasting competition!

“Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding Famous

celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no

one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at

the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s

table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was

assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be

all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during

the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE:

A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:

Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK:

Holy smokes, what the fuck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from

your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the

worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE ONE:

Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:

Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK:

Shit! Keep this away from the children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste

besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich

manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chilli # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE:

Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:

A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK:

This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose

feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now and

got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on

the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chilli # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:

Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:

Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,

not much of a chilli.

FRANK:

I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally,

the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save me the run.

Chilli # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:

Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.

Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:

Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne

peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK:

My ears are ringing, and I can’t focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind

me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it.

Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chilli # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:

Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:

The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK:

My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chilli # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE:

A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:

Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last

moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be

in a bit of distress.

FRANK:

You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel it.

I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My clothes are covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth

at some point. Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any

oxygen anyway.

Chilli # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chilli

JUDGE ONE:

A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for

all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO:

This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled

the chilli pot on top of himself.


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