Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
An erection does not constitute personal growth
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: "I'll man the guns, you drive."
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. “My BMW! My BMW!” he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!”
The lawyer, horrified, screamed “My Rolex! My Rolex!”
