My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn