Random Thought
“God created Man, stood back and admired what he created and said “WOW, this is a perfect creation”, then he proceeded to create woman, stood back and said “Oh well, this one will have to wear makeup”.”

Another Thought...

PostHeaderIcon Going to Holland!

1. Never use the word “Dutch” in front of a Hollander. It reminds him

too much of the word “Deutsch” which is a word for Germans andother

things he doesn’t like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a Nederlander.

2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland

for more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting

headache but also Hollanders won’t understand a single word of what

you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or

gibberish. Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets

since they can’t make a report to the police.

3. Also never try to eat “drop”. Drop is a kind of licorice that only

Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its color: black. The

taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax. Hollanders

absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff. There is

a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners who are

tricked into believing it is edible.

4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you,

which is of course, is the main reaso! n for selling them to you in

the first place. A Hollander himself wouldn’t like to be found dead

in them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn’t like to be found dead

at all)

5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behavior like that is not only frowned

upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden

shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger

in any dike you like. It’ll get you a few good laughs from the

natives.

6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the back

of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you get

into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is absolutely

right and that you see the error of your ways. This will drive him

absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can’t be right.

You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right. Impossible!

He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you may want to

stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip

**** WAT DE FAK! Fast Eddy ****.

7. Windmills are unavoidable.

8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, wooden

shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the soft

drugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are

available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any

Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 & 20)

9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely

an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about everyone

else, including yours, after the game is won. …Or lost…Or if it

is a draw. It is a! lso very unwise to stand near a policeman during

these festivities. (see item 10) Also, whenever there’s a Hollander

around: “Don’t mention the ’74 final!”. You’ll end up in an ongoing

discussion about how well the Orange team played and how marvellous

it is that a small country like Holland has such a good team and

blah-de-blah-de-blah.

10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you feel

like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No Hollander

will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a

policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no

Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also

note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners

tricked into taking the job.

11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they’d sooner cut off their

own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him

something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an exception) This

might explain the success of MacDonald’s in Holland. The story that

copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found !

cent is absolutely true.

12. Holland is small. There is a rumor that Holland is put inside during

rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365

days each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They

float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it. They

will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation has

accomplished great things, despite of it being so small. A suitable

answer to this swank is the Hollander’s imperialistic past. Which

brings us rather nicely to item 13.

13. If you wish to insult a Hollander and sooner or later youwill simply

tell him you don’t think he is a pacifist. Now immediately start

running for your life. He’ll want to prove to you that he is a peace

loving person and he won’t stop proving this until your intestines

are scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a supposedly

imperialistic past considering Suriname and/or Indonesia, will

instantly reduce a Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and crying

child, begging for forgiveness.

14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They

simply make too much money from the sale of soft and hard drugs,

Malaysian women, and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity

for making a good profit go by.

15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel

free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don’t

expect your own bike however to be where you left it three

minutes earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a

year. Have fun.

16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious

looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a “kaasschaaf” and is

used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the

cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never

cut cheese with a knife, you’ll make an utter fool of yourself.

Another peculiar dinner tool is the “flessenlikker”, which literally

means “bottle-licker”, but which is best translated by

“yoghurt-scraper”. Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of

an itchy back or for your nightly escapades. It’s designed to clean

out bottles of yoghurt or “vla” which is a sort of custard. The

Nederlanders wants to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt

or ‘vla’ he bought. He paid for all of it and he’ll jolly well eat

all of it.

17. At the time of this writing, the Hollands economy is doing quite

well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive

negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers, and the

government. They even have a name for this: The polder model.

Foreigners are made to believe that this polder model is the key to

a healthy economy and if others should follow this polder model,

their economy’s will also improve dramatically. This is utter

nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling

all this talking negotiations only gives them a sense of doing

something useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.

18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato’s in litres of mayonnaise and

put it in small paper bags. This is called “een patatje met”. One

of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not

everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living. Some

foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.

19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for mainly French

tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and

Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast

cars. These young people wish to point out to the French tourist

where the more interesting touristy places in Holland can be found.

Strangely enough they always seem to end up in a coffee shop (see

item 20). Funny people those French.


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