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PostHeaderIcon New Christmas Arrangements!

NEW CHRISTMAS ARRANGEMENTS – EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

Effective immediately, the following economising measures are being

implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced

the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,

providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost

effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be

condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the

French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail

system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine

who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.

Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative

implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other

precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks,

appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be

afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per

goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three

geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by

personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets

will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby

enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy

scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being

sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no

upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will

be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the

expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to

suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While

leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as

we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of

the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback

on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right

to the bottom line; Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted

people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies

indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we

can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion

to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is

pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should

that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


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