God created Man, stood back and admired what he created and said “WOW, this is a perfect creation”, then he proceeded to create woman, stood back and said “Oh well, this one will have to wear makeup”.

My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses...He drinks straight out of the bottle.

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

Fine day for a good workout. Let's steal something heavy.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."