A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

On quiet nights when I'm alone, I like to run my wedding Video backwards just to watch myself walk out of church a free person!

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Take all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.