Joke Overflow –  Joke Archive

Random Thoughts

  • What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

  • It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!

  • Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

  • If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

  • No woman will ever be satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that shoots out money.

  • Why is it that banks always make it sound like you are so lucky that they have extended your credit limit? I mean it's not like I won a prize, but more like extra bullets for my gun in a game of Russian Rolette...

  • It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

  • Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

  • If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

  • I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.



The Perfect Day According To…

HER

8:45 – Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 – 5 pounds lighter on the scale

9:30 – Light breakfast

11:00 – Sunbathe

12:30 – Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 – Shopping

2:30 – Run into husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30lbs.

3:00 – Facial, massage, nap

7:30 – Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 – Make love

11:30 – Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

10:00 – Wake up

10:02 – SEX

10:10 – Big Breakfast

11:30 – Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters

2:15 – Enormous lunch with BEER

3:15 – SEX

3:25 – Play sports with the guys

4:30 – Drink BEER with the guys

6:30 – Meet Claudia Schiffer

6:40 – SEX

6:50 – Huge dinner, more BEER

8:00 – Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer

11:00 – Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER

11:10 – Sleep

2:30 – Fart