Random Thought
“Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the Universe are pointed away from Earth?”

Another Thought...

PostHeaderIcon Various excuses!

Impotence

a.. It doesn’t matter, I’m just happy to cuddle…..

b.. This is the first time this has happened to me today.

c.. I guess it’s just nature’s way of saying ‘no hard feelings’.

d.. I’m suffering from Ascension Deficit disorder

e.. I’m sorry, it seems to be set for Hillary, not Monica.

f.. I knew I shouldn’t have given blood today.

g.. I guess my pointer just turned into setter.

h.. I’m turgidly challenged.

i.. I’m saving myself for the match tomorrow.

j.. I’ve spilled a bottle of fabric softener down my trousers.

k.. I’m sorry I can’t imagine anyone I like right now.

It’s more than my job’s worth

a.. We don’t know how to do that.

b.. It’s too late to do that today. Come back tomorrow after 5 p.m.

c.. The person who deals with that is on sabbatical.

d.. It isn’t cost effective.

e.. I’m new.

f.. I’m new. (said by the same person 7 months later)

g.. I’m not authorized to tell you.

h.. Our computer system is down/being replaced/being delivered tomorrow.

i.. You’ve reached the wrong department.

j.. We’ve lost your file – you don’t exist.

k.. It’s Tuesday.

Top ten excuses to use when presenting yourself at a hospital with a vegetable lodged up your backside

a.. I was cleaning some vegetables in the shower when…..

b.. I was just digging on my allotment when there was a solar eclipse…..

c.. I was walking past the vegetable section in the supermarket when I slipped and….

d.. I was attacked in the park by an 8-foot rabbit. He did some bad things doctor.

e.. My teeth hurt so I haven’t been chewing my food properly for a while now.

f.. I’m very absent minded. I meant to put it in the fridge.

g.. There was this chutney recipe…I was just following the instructions.

h.. My dog…..

i.. I was kidnapped by aliens. They took me up to the mother ship and did lots of tests. My memory is very hazy…I think you’d better take a look….

j.. I was sunbathing naked in the garden when a bunch of kids started throwing vegetables over the fence.

Politicians’ excuses and lies – what they really mean

a.. WE HAVE NO QUARREL WITH THEIR PEOPLE …..(We will bomb the suckers until the crazy guy with the moustache has no one left to rule)

b.. WE HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO USE FORCE. (let’s try out these new smart bombs)

c.. COLLATERAL DAMAGE WAS KEPT TO A MINIMUM. (The Chinese embassy was just to shiny to ignore.)

d.. WE MUST NOT INTERFERE IN THIS DELICATE MATTER. (This country doesn’t produce any oil.)

e.. THIS COUNTRY WILL NOT BE HELD TO RANSOM BY PUBLIC OPINION. (Democracy sucks)

f.. THERE IS NO RISK TO PUBLIC HEALTH. (See you next year, I’ll be in my bunker)

g.. IT IS NOT IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST. (If anyone finds out, we’re screwed)

h.. TALKS WERE SUBSTANTIVE. (OK we’ve agreed on deep crust pepperoni but the chicken wings are non-negotiable)

i.. THAT IS NOT FOR ME TO SAY. ( I have not been briefed on this bit.)

j.. IT IS EVERY CITIZEN’S RIGHT. ( We can afford that)

k.. STATISTICALLY IT IS STILL A VERY SAFE MEANS OF TRANSPORT. (cancel my ticket, I am walking)

l.. I LISTENED WITH INTEREST. (I was so bored I nearly chewed my arm off.)

m.. WE TAKE THIS MATTER VERY SERIOUSLY INDEED. (Next time we’ll make damn sure no one finds out.)

n.. THERE HAS BEEN NO BREACH OF NATIONAL SECURITY. (what do you mean they stole all the passwords?)

Excuses for every occasion

a.. Some kids made me do it.

b.. Sex isn’t everything.

c.. I was just following orders.

d.. This has nothing to do with my mother.

e.. At this time I am unable to process your order for the new CPU for your computer as our computers are down.

f.. This is definitely a shortcut.

g.. I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you.

h.. I have a high metabolism.

i.. I was away that day.

j.. Your honour, I stabbed my wife in the back 25 times to hide her suicide from our son.

k.. Trust me….I do this all the time.

l.. Bring it back if you don’t like it.

m.. The cheque’s in the post.

If caught sleeping at your desk at work.

a.. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

b.. ……Amen

c.. Wasn’t sleeping I was trying to pick up my contacts lens without hands.

d.. They warned me at the blood bank this might happen.

e.. I’m taking a power nap. they recommended it on that time management course you sent me on.

f.. Ah the unique and unpredictable circudian rhythms of the workaholic!


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