I just new I was in big trouble at work when the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere...

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.