Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name...

Statistics tell us that married men are likely to live 3 years longer than single men. But psychology tells us that married men are more willing to die.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you suppose they know that we don't?

Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake an orgasm. Big deal , try faking a relationship just for a giggle!

Finally, my ship came in ... and as expected, it's leaking.