And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the Universe are pointed away from Earth?

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

A flat will occur when you are without a spare. This will happen after your significant other has reminded you to get one. He/She will be in the car.