Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Why do women never say what they want or mean because they always expect men to innately know what they are thinking? Do they think men are psychic?

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.