If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

Smoking helps you lose weight .. one lung at a time!

An optimist invented the aeroplane, a pessimist invented the parachute.

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard.

NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you suppose they know that we don't?

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.