Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

On quiet nights when I'm alone, I like to run my wedding Video backwards just to watch myself walk out of church a free person!

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again!

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.