Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the normally the headlight of the oncoming train.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

An optimist invented the aeroplane, a pessimist invented the parachute.

Statistics tell us that married men are likely to live 3 years longer than single men. But psychology tells us that married men are more willing to die.