If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesn't want him and his mother won't take him back.

If you have them by their balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.